Trump Crippled by Fear Of Sharks

Washington, D.C. – In an 2011 interview, Stormy Daniels, a porn star who at that time claimed to be a former mistress of Donald Trump, described Trump’s fear of sharks. Although Trump publicly acknowledges only a “professional” relationship with Daniels, Trump’s own tweets in 2013 also acknowledge the fear.

When pressed recently for further details, Daniels admitted she didn’t tell the whole truth.

“When he said ‘sharks’, that was code for Puerto Ricans,” stated Daniels. According to Daniels, Trump saw West Side Story on Broadway at age eleven, where the street gang, the Sharks, asserted its territory against the all white Jets. “Donald just considered himself a Jet, just like Tony, who is killed by the Sharks. Donald absolutely feared all Sharks after that.”

It is now believed that Trump’s refusal to acknowledge Puerto Ricans as Americans, his anti-immigrant policies, and his poor treatment of Puerto Rico and its citizens after Hurricane Maria, all stem from that one experience.

Sources inside the White House claim that Trump sings the song Maria often, just to soothe himself.

“It’s crazy when you think about it,” continued Daniels. “He told me that the movie Jaws was really about Puerto Ricans trying to take over America. It’s really quite a fear and we worked on a lot of ‘shark versus man’ therapy when we were together, as, um, professionals. Sometimes he played the shark, other times I played the shark. He could be a nasty shark at times. Weird, but fun!”

Trump declined to be interviewed for this story.

If you have a fear of sharks, contact mike_peril@aol.com.

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